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Email smiles and funnies

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:01 pm
by Angoid
Not exaxtly a game or a story, but maybe this is the best place for it. A thread where you can post your email jokes and funny stories. I'd like to start by thanking everyone (both on this board and not on it) for the many emails I received in 2007. Thanks to those emails I can move forward into 2008 with confidence.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat's mess in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.............

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to those emails, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £10 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't copy this into an e-mail and send to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from a dozen camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.

Now you know! Have a great 2008!!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:30 pm
by Grania
:lol: Nice one Angus. Unfortunately I can't contribute right now, but when I can I'll let you know!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 8:37 pm
by Luned
OK, I didn't know where to put it, 'cos it's not really an email funny, but something I found on some other forum. So as Christmas is approaching, these are very special and politically correct (!) Christmas wishes ;)

From us ("the wisher") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects whose contributions to society have helped make Europe great, (not to imply that Europe is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "EUROPE" in the western hemisphere), and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-
* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
(insert random HoHoHo's HERE)


PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:29 pm
by Grania
:lol: It's about right isn't it?

Something a bit shorter than me that Dad (and therefore me) got from a colleague of his

'I wish I was a glow worm
A glow worm is never glum
'cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines from your bum'

And yes, I know it isn't politically correct! :lol: But I liked it :lol:

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:07 pm
by Luned
that's a good one, G :lol:

and you know, when I came across those Christmas greetings I thought about your attitude to Christmas, which, from what I can see, hasn't changed :lol: :wink:

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:11 pm
by Grania
:lol: My attitude to Christmas never changes :lol:

(Can I please refer anyone who's wondering what we're talking about to my msn message :lol: )

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:37 pm
by Methica
Happy Christmas yer a**e! 8) :lol: :mrgreen:

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:38 pm
by Grania
:lol: *bows*

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:00 am
by Angoid
Why does The Fairytale of New York come to mind? :wink: :lol: :wink:

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:54 am
by Grania
*looks innocently at Angus and flutters her eyelashes*

Fairytale of New York? Me? Whatever gave you that idea? :lol:

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 4:31 pm
by AndyPandy
Methica wrote:Happy Christmas yer a**e! 8) :lol: :mrgreen:

LOL thats a very good attitude to Christmas! I know its supposed to be a Christian festival and celebration but I hate the way its been turned into a money making farce!

Oh and for the record, Fairytale of New York is THE best Christmas song ever, not the Moya version tho.... I can't understand why she did that, especially with that big EEJIT Ronan. :P

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:41 pm
by Grania
Yes, eejit, but you have to laugh about it!!!

PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 10:04 pm
by Angoid
:D :lol: :) :lol: :D
:lol: :) :D :) :lol:
:) :D :lol: :D :)

PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:00 pm
by Dubhy63
I simply love the original version of Fairytale of New York,it's a classic ! :D